i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
