If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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