This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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