Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
