rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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