I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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