guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
