Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
