I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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