mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
