remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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