got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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