If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
