dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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