I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
