Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
vagina is talking i cant
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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