she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
