Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
