I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
