She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
