help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
How's work?
Spinning.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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