Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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