I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
