just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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