Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
