He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
