I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
