Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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