Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
