Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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