her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
