He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
