i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
