How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Your cock deserves a montage
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
pray to the hookup gods
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
