I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
