the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
