remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
