if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
