I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
