I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
how does that bad decision feel?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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