I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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