If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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