I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
