when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
