I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
