I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
