You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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