so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
