What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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