I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
