my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
